December 14, 2016
“Soft sufferings” Swamiji repeated to me slowly, love in his voice like sugar mixed with milk. “You were there, kanna? For soft sufferings?” he asked, referring to the previous day when he answered one of the questions from a Sadashivoham participant.
The question was, “Why do we sometimes feel depression without knowing the reason at all?”
He replied, slowly and carefully, “Sometimes, you’ll get into a mood: nothing will give you happiness but me. All the external pleasures won’t give you anything. Only I will make you truly blissful. Sometimes, you yourself take the boon from Sadashiva.You yourself ask Sadashiva, ‘let nothing in this world give me happiness but you’. If you ever go looking for happiness outside, you’ll just fall into depression. If you ever have reasonless depression, this is the reason. You are so depressed and you don’t even know why”
At that moment in the hall, a cosmic shift happened within me. That must be it. That must be my whole life up until now. The pointless depression I’ve had all my life. Rooted in shifting soil, unstable and ungrounded. Like Meenakshi’s third breast. Like a burning stomach, or an eternally aching leg. These soft sufferings were meant to remind me that nothing will give me happiness- nothing but the whole truth, enlightenment itself. I know because I always ended up weeping underneath Nataraja until he led me to Swamiji. My suffering wasn’t harsh- only small, only soft.
One could say it was because of karma- that perhaps there was a larger reason behind why I went through so much. The rape itself, a court case against Vinay Bharadwaj and then the depression that I drowned in could be justified by a greater, cosmic reason. I wondered for a second. Could there be a greater cosmic reason? No, I decided. No matter what: the truth will be what I decide. So I made the choice. This depression was nothing but a soft suffering. It was a boon I took from Sadashiva to remind me that anything could happen to me but nothing could shake me. To show me I am that which I yearn for so much.
It was only a soft suffering that would again lead to me Swamiji in the end.
April 23, 2017
It’s been five months since I made that decision. I’ve had my ups and downs from there. Recently, I had one of my biggest downs. I was depressed and uninspired- and the cherry on top- I didn’t even know why. I didn’t understand why I felt so unhappy even in Swamiji, Sadashiva’s, own presence.
I sought out help from Kalabhairava himself. In the adheenam there is a spiritual power and process called “Akashic Reading” where the balasanths of the Nithyananda Gurukul will read from the akashic record on any question you ask. They invoke the energy of Kalabhairava, the lord of time and the keeper of the cosmic archives. It is a power that has performed real, physical miracles such as materializing objects when he declares, changing the future when Swamiji says and even bringing completion to a person in their lowest.
I asked Kalabhairava, “Why am I feeling so depressed? I don’t know what to do”
Then he told me about one incident in my past.
When I was a Rudrakanya, serving Sadashiva himself in Kailasha, I had poured water on his head. The water fell from his locks to his shoulders down to his chest, his thighs and finally collected into a kapala, or a skull, at his feet. Sadashiva opened his eyes then and gazed at me. In his eyes, I saw the creation of the universe from Nataraja as he was dancing. Nataraja, is the form of Sadashiva when he is dancing. It was in this ecstasy that the entire universe generated. As I saw Nataraja dancing, the the science of dance and movement was inserted into my own bio-memory from his. Sadashiva gave me the kapala from his feet, filled the water that I poured all over his body, and declared that I will be a living deity of dance.
It was then I took the boon. Whenever I am not aligned to Swamiji, not active and becoming stagnant, let me fall into depression, let nothing in the world make me happy but Swamiji himself. I took this boon to ensure that I will always be in alignment with Sadashiva.
The truth from Kalabhairava shocked me. I remembered how just five months ago in December Swamiji was speaking in Sadashivoham about these soft sufferings and here Kalabhairava was telling me exactly how I took that boon.
I realized in that moment, like a rude and welcome awakening at the same time, how what Swamiji says is more real than I can even understand. Whether or not we understand that we are Sadashiva, we do manifest reality the way that we want. We just forget. Whether or not I believe what Kalabhairava told me, my decision in December to make all my depression a reminder to align back to Sadashiva manifested now in what he was telling me.
And I understand. This might not make sense. There are many, many turns and twists on the way that I might’ve lost you. I can only conclude with one thing: we manifest our reality. We create what we experience, whether or not we remember that we created it.
I created soft sufferings. I created suffering itself. Suffering, that which I thought was so innately a part of me is actually just something at my finger tips. Something I can make vanish within a minute. It’s just a decision. And it’s so easy.