I found this buried away in my notes from April 1st, 2016:
Last night, as I stared the universe as Lady Caliph played in my ear, it was the longest I went without thinking of Vinay in at least a month. I remembered the display of stars above the Amazon river in Peru and how it seemed like these silver lights were hanging from silver threads from the sky. I could see that again passed the foggy layer of city light reflections thrown into the air.
“It’s going to be okay” a voice told me. And for the first time, I believed it.
Needless to say I’m listening to the same album as I write this now.
In the perspective of how far we need to go, we often forget how far we’ve come– this saying has been said and many, many times by myself. I can add- despite me being in Sadhashiva’s presence here in the adheenam, I still forgot. I forgot what immense leaps I took and he guided me through in the last nine months. Where I was- on the edge of mental havoc and where I am now is unfathomable. What people go through in their childhood and sometimes don’t speak of until their very last days, I miraculously got over.
The trauma of rape in the human standard is no joke. It’s one of the worst things you could go through, even more so if you went through it as a kid. By that, what I mean is, no one really questions it. It’s up there with a near one dying and undeniable poverty among the “don’t touch my depression” conditions of life. Every one has something like that. As if we have a right to be depressed. Why do I deny the higher reality that I am Sadashiva? Well, let me tell you- and then we will list all these big, big reasons.
So, you can imagine, it’s pretty hard to break that kind of utter self-denial and help you swallow any reason that stops you from being Sadashiva. My biggest reason last year was this. Why am I not a god? Because I have been a victim before. And last year, I had gotten to a point where I held the context that ‘yes, I was a victim but I am stronger because of it’. Though it was better than any lesser context, it was still dangerously flawed by the cognition that I was a victim. By holding onto that context, I allowed the thought currents that were related, specifically the memories and the images of being raped, to affect me.
I barred myself from my higher reality with this cognition. Within a month of being with Swamiji, he shattered this cognition. In my perspective now, it was too easy. Since then he has been raising me to higher and higher cognitions. Breaking ones that I hold onto too long and raising me more and more.
Recently, I had one of the worst lows of my life. Some project not moving, somebody said something that I took the wrong way. Without any reason, I simply rejected every single life positive stream of thoughts that I built for myself. I was digressing so far and I could feel it. A flush of hormones raced through my body- stress, sadness mixed together to form a burning cocktail. Then, I had one thought.
His name was like a string I could pull into a past of dark memories. And I felt myself reaching for that string. One tug and the whole thing would come down. It’s been a year since I had a nightmare about him. A year since one flashback entered my system. One year it took to climb out of the hole I was living in for six years. And I was about to destroy everything.
Suddenly, it was as if a part of me that was sleeping woke up.
A voice in my head screamed: NO!
And then I saw myself against a raging tsunami, ocean water raised above me 100 feet in the air, as I screamed against it. At my ferocious demand, it receded. My mind was silenced. The shock, funnily enough, even made me forget my stress.
A year ago, I didn’t have this capacity. To just scream ‘no!’ at these memories and they would run away crying. A year ago I would have simply succumbed to them, let myself watch in my head whatever happened to me like a broken record. A year ago, just a few minutes under the stars without thinking of Vinay was a luxury for me, now here I am leading processions and crowds of people in kirtan, in endless and blissful joy. I realized then how much I have grown in the last year.
It’s no joke to be able to go from PTSD ridden, self-harming, severely depressed body to a dancing blissful being in less than a year. That is because I decided to swallow my past. Like Shiva swallowed poison, I downed the whole thing. I became neelakantha, the one with the blue neck because of the poison he took for the sake of saving humanity. Whatever it was I decided it won’t have an effect on me. And since then, I’ve been stronger than ever.
For whatever reason, we judge ourselves too harshly. First of all we expect transformation to happen over night. But that is if we believe it is possible in the first place. I realized that I have leagues to go to attain my goal, to be who I want to be. But the thought of going leagues should not wear me down. It should only excite me.
As Swamiji says, “You are not the final product. You are the seed!”
I still have a long way to go. I am a seed, with the potential of growing a beautiful tree. Like the one I fell in love with in the Amazon Rainforest in Peru. Like the one I live under here in Bengaluru Adheenam. The possibility excites me. Whatever stands in the way~ consider it swallowed.