I realized that I’ve come a long way from when I first came to the adheenam. It’s been nine months now and I’ve forgotten who I was in the past. The saffron color has become my filter to everything nowadays which is a good and a bad thing. While I’ve immersed myself in adheenam activities now in the face of what I want to be, I’ve forgotten how far I’ve come.
The flood of incoming adheenavasis coming soon reminded me of why I decided to leave everything and stay here. But in my perspective now, when I say leave ‘everything’ , I really didn’t have much to leave. A day where I would forget about Vinay and the memory of what happened to me was too much to dream of. Yet, here I am going months without flashbacks, without once falling to the memory of Vinay Bharadwaj.
It is Swamiji who made it so easy honestly. Swamiji who, as easy as plucking dead petals from a rose, removed all the bearing weight from my inner space. I remember one incident that made it clear to me how influential Swamiji’s mere presence is in my life now.
It was right around the beginning of when I arrived in Varanasi. At the time, Inner Awakening -Swamiji’s signature 21 day spiritual program- was being offered in that pilgrimage city. Swamiji was holding me, like a baby in his arms throughout the entire time. One day in particular my mind was in my past. Every few hours I would be cowering as memories of what Vinay did to me surfaced to the screen behind my eyelids. My eyes were leaking, tears were flowing all day.
Swamiji called me that night to sit with him as he lay down. I struggled- even in his presence- to forget Vinay. Tears started to leak from my eyes despite whatever effort I made to stop them. Swamiji immediately reached out to me. I took his hand in mine.
He let his large hands linger on my face, cupping my cheek, for a second, “What’s wrong? Tell me” he asked
There was no over reaction in how he treated me in my powerless moments. He held me. That’s all. He didn’t hold on to me.
He told this time, “You can tell me whatever it is” while nodding his head.
“Swamiji, I keep…having these memories” I told him weakly, through sniffles.
“I understand” he said immediately. “I’ll do what needs to be done”
He was staring elsewhere, as if I couldn’t handle his direct stare at that moment. At that was correct. I couldn’t.
“I’ll do what needs to be done” he told me a second time. Now, Swamiji looked at me. “But don’t you think it is not really the memory that is bothering you?”
It was in that moment Swamiji showed me what I had known all along but didn’t want to accept. The clouds and fog in my head that usually arrive with a painful flashback cleared in my head. Reality kicked in for the first time, it seemed.
“So it’s just me then?” I asked Swamiji in a softer than usual voice. He looked away again- giving me a second to prepare for his answer.
Again his eyes connected with mine, a playful smirk in them. “If not you then who?”
Both of us shared a smile then. Mine was humiliated but more importantly relieved. His, all knowing as always. But our smiles met in the middle, making a connection I would always remember.
Swamiji continued, “Perhaps you suffered on the outside. But that is because you were far from me. But now you are here. And you will always be with me. So, why suffer?”
Neither he nor I said more after that. My mind conceded like a child after its temper tantrum. His words will always stay with me. I will always remember them when I’m trying to break this suffering pattern of mine.
When it comes to being an adheenavasi I just have to remember: Perhaps suffering would be warranted on the outside. Perhaps it is even expected in difficult situations to be the reaction we adopt. But with Sadhashiva himself, in Kailasha, what is there to suffer for?
In time he told expanded on my vision. From ‘why suffer?’ cognition he took me to the ‘celebrate life’ cognition. And as an adheenavasi, that is all we are expected to do. Celebrate Sadashiva. We manifest Sadashivatva and help others manfiest Sadhashivatva.
If you’re at all interested in joining the life of Sadhashiva, manifesting Sadhashiva and helping others manifest Sadhashiva, and becoming an adheenavasi as well, please contact me at email@example.com. Have questions, comments, suggestions? You can comment directly on this post or e-mail me. I look forward to hearing from you.